It's a hot hot day

Today is August 26 2009, which is coincidentally the day of Chinese Valentine Day. So happy valentine's day for everyone who sees this =D

Also, today, it has been more than 5 months since my last post. I wonder if everyone has given up on my blog because i have been putting off writing it for so long.

Today i decided to come to this page because i remembered something i said a long time ago. It had something to do with smiling.

I remembered how many times in my life i had stopped smiling. Or at least the major events that made me not feel like smiling. Even in one of the prior posts i implied that i would be able to smile regardless of what was happening at that time and yet i failed.

Today, i am smiling again. Of cause i have also been smiling a lot the past few months but in this case, it is one of those special situations again.

In the blink of an eye, more than half of my friends are in relationships already. If not, they are down the path towards one. My point? I'm happy for them. This in turn brings me to quote something a friend said a couple of weeks back - "and then there was one". When he said that, he seemed a million miles away from his own story, today, he seems just within arms reach of it. It is now just left to how he decides and fate thus leaving that quote in my hands now.

Coming back to the smiling thing, i think i have developed a really bad habit. In the past, people always complained i never smiled enough. I took that advice and decided to smile. Guess what happened? Yep, i can't stop smiling anymore - not when i'm depressed, not when i'm sad, not when i'm lonely and perhaps, even not when i'm crying (i'm not sure about it actually, coz i haven't cried yet)

Along with that habit came another - "don't worry" or as i like to say it in japanese "dai jo bu" or in chinese, "放心啦". I'm saying this so much, there have been a few that are complaining i'm starting to hide my true feelings and thoughts. Maybe they are right, afterall, lately i feel like i don't want to bother or trouble anyone anymore. Everyone has their own troubles, and i don't feel like adding more for them.

I have a feeling with the paragraph above, people are going to want to kill me again... Better start running~~ haha~~

Anyways, till next time and don't worry about me.

Lai Jian Wei
3.44pm
26 August 2009

Rain

I love rain
Has anyone realized how beautiful rain is?
Each drop, making it's own courageous journey from the heavens,
Flying, gliding down to the scorched parched earth...

There is a saying - still water runs deep
There is no denying, it is calm up to a certain extent
Yet, at the bottom of it all, the fury of the torrents rage on
The perfect balance of things, or just a painful reality?

**********

As how someone i know used to go : "Saya tak gembira..."
Recently i seem to like that phrase very much as well...

Sometimes i really don't understand myself
On one hand, i am the eye of the storm
Yet, i'm the gale that surrounds it as well

**********

You know what the worst part of being away is?
The distance
The distance from things you hold true and dear
The distance from some of your childhood dreams
The distance from ideals and promises that you have held on your entire life
The distance from the familiar senses that make your day whole
The distance from the emotions that some may have tried to escape
The distance from the pillars that hold you up
The thought of being away....

**********

I'm here,
away...
I don't have much :

- a few dreams
- a small new family
- the excitement something new
- the spirit of a traveler
- believes
- faiths
- courage
- hopes

and yet...
I have everything

Lai Jian Wei
10.32pm
Wednesday 4th March 2009

Leaving...

Of late i realized something really interesting about myself - i've been putting off writing my blog for a long time adi... The last time i wrote was, well, before i left Brisbane. Now, i'm writing again. This time, will be before i go back to Brisbane.

Actually, throughout these few months, i have composed a few posts, just that i have never gotten around to finish writing them. The reason? Mood swings XD

But yala, throughout these few months i have been having a lot of ups and downs (please don't ask, don't really feel like talking about them). Currently my mood has reached the stage where i don't want to go back to Brisbane.... That is a long story la, to make it simple, let's just say being away then coming back made me realize i treasured a lot of things here and that the moment i go back to Aussie, i lose a lot of these things....

For a friend, yes you were right. I really really did enjoy myself back here in Malaysia. At the very least, i was distracted a lot by my darlings and friends a like. Sometimes i wonder, is it because i went overseas that i having a lot of attention from all my friends? Or is it just because i'm having a bout of really good jodoh this year? Haha... Either way, i'm not complaining. It's been a wonderful holiday for me (albeit the boredom of sitting alone at home doing nothing la...)

Friends are a wonderful thing. Somehow, they just have a knack of showing up at the right time and making problems miraculously disappear (for the moment at least) or just provide you with a dose of "healthy" distraction....

Most importantly, friends help you without they themselves or even you realizing it. It's a kind of abstract thing, not something you can grasp immediately after you read this or if that light bulb of inspiration flashes in your head. Speaking on this... Can i ask for a moment of silence for a friend, Yun Chi that passed away on the 5th of February...

...
...
...
...
...

Thank you

Like i was saying, she is a good example of this. Her passing, i believe has brought good a lot of people she once knew. Her passing was quite a sudden news to many of us, it just reflected on the fragility of life as we know it. At least for me, it made me realize that somethings are just unexpected. I'm sure many people have at some point in their lives, contemplated the fact "what would happen if suddenly my friend or a family member dies? Hmm..."

Contemplating and trying to prepare yourself mentally is one thing, when it actually happens, it is a totally different story all together... I admit, i'm not really very close to Yun Chi, but she is the first of my friends that has actually left us, forever... Her spirit may still be close to us, but she will always be an ethereal presence from now on... (haih...)

After paying my last respects, i was very angry for a moment. At myself. Why? I realized that i am a man surrounded by a lot of friends and i really mean A LOT. Yes, many of them i could say are casual acquaintances, some slightly better friends. Then of coz there are my darlings, beloveds and kids. And to think with so many people around me, i always complain i'm lonely. Worst still, i don't even bother keep in touch with many of these people. Only saying hi when i meet them and then have a few short sentences of a conversation and that's it.

As the anger slowly simmered off, sadness took it's place. It is very true the saying, "You may be best friends this year, very good friends the next year, close friends the following, and just acquaintances after that." When i look back, i do hold a lot of regrets, some of my once best friends when i see them today all i can bring out of me to say is just "hello" or "how have you been lately?" I do blame myself, but i also do realize that we just cannot have time for everybody as much as we try, as much as we want to...

Sad isn't it?

Lai Jian Wei
2.36pm
15 February 2009

My form 6 life (Part II : The essence of of life then)

If there's one thing i learned from my life in form 6, the most important would be that you are responsible to manage your own life.

Before i proceed, let me first share my STPM results :-
Pengajian Am (General Studies) : B+
Mathematics : D
Chemistry : C+
Biology : B+

(C and above are considered principal passes. C- and below are half fails. F is considered complete fail)

To me i am satisfied with the results. But I'll be honest with you, this are actually extremely lousy grades.

If the CGPA is calculated, my CGPA is only 2.58. Yes, i still managed to get local university with these grades, Environmental Science at Universiti Malaysia Sabah. But most people who get such a course would have turned it down immediately, appealed or EXTREMELY reluctantly gone and taken the course.

Nonetheless, with these grades i managed to get into University. I'm now in Australia, for those that didn't know, doing the exact same course that i was offered, Environmental Science. But that's not my topic today.

Like i was saying, i am satisfied with my grades. With my biology marks to be specific. With the other three subjects though, it's a different story.

Why am i satisfied? To honestly tell you, i have never put so much effort before in my life in my studies. The amount of time and work i put into my Biology, i managed to change my grade from an F to a B+. I have a feeling my biology teacher was thanking her lucky stars that she didn't make the "if you pass / get good grades, I'll eat my shoe" bet with me.

In fact, most people that didn't see the effort i put into my this subject were very shocked by that grade i got. I surpassed quite a few other students and matched another few.

As for the other three subjects, my PA (Pengajian Am) was a bit disappointing. I was hoping for at least an A- in it, but i suppose the silly mistake i made cost me the grade. For my chemistry and mathematics, i really have no excuse for it.

I know how much effort i put into those 2 subjects, and it wasn't much mind you. Take my chemistry for example. I know how much better i could have scored if i studied harder. You know why i say that? Cause i looked through my exam paper and i laughed. I knew about 60 - 70% of the paper, but i couldn't answer most of it because i never studied enough for it. In the last few weeks before my exam, i can shamefully say i was very negligent of my studies. Not to mention in the many months before it.

My maths was in an even worse off shape. From back in Form 4, i never put in enough effort to do my maths properly. An vicious cycle came along - The maths was hard, i didn't bother working hard to try and the maths became even harder. This cycle continued into my Form 6 and it really caused me hell.

Despite all the good support and help given by my friends, most of the time i never even attempted to try to do the maths. Subsequently the work load just overwhelmed me and i just gave up on the subject. See what happened in the end?

Looking at some of my friends in school, their maths initially was just as bad as mine. But through hard work and dedication, many later got satisfactory or even good grades. See the power of effort?

I am ashamed of myself. Guess it takes a really hard lesson before one sees the light. But at least in these 2 years, i learned that "if you want something, you work for it" the hard way.

Another piece of advice i want to share is please please please don't give up. I gave up on my maths and i paid for it. Now, even in university, that decision is coming back to haunt me. I just flipped through my Statistics textbook today, and all i could do was sigh....

Independence - the ability to take initiative and do something yourself - as how i define it.

Well, the school really thought us this lesson. I'm not bad mouthing the teachers or what, but seriously, I have never met such lazy teachers before.

So lazy that the amount of times she ever came into class for the entire year was less than 30 (maybe even less, i counted back then. I forgot now.). So lazy that he never even bothered to mark our trial papers. So lazy that even a signature would take too much effort for him.

Amazing really, in fact so amazing that a lot of people i tell to these stories don't believe me. Would you believe that? Need proof? Just ask any of my form 6 class mates.

Then from my juniors, i only learned this is mostly the case with the teachers of this school. Students run their clubs almost totally independent of the teachers. Students find their own ways and means to study and do well in exams. Student use only their own wits and effort to conjure amazing performances and works.

To me, that is just cool.

The other rude awakening i got, in fact most of us Form 6 got was how bad discrimination can get.

Most 6 formers in the school come from their own secondary schools where they did their form 1 - 5. As a result, the 6 formers in the school was separated into two groups. The first being their "true" students which are student that we originally studying in the school and the second as the "non-true" students who me and a few other friends would fondly call "fakes". In fact, many of us took pride in calling ourselves fakes.

The "non-true" groups were also subsequently divided further. I forgot to mention that school was a boys school for the lower forms and co-ed was only for form 6. Subsequently, we were further divided into the two sexes. The girls would have equal privilege to the "true" students. We, the remaining boys, how should i put it? Treated like shit.

Have any of you'll ever felt the pain of not being acknowledged? Not matter how hard you tried to mix in or tried to be like them. Even if people don't accept you into their circle, i feel the least someone can do is acknowledge that you exist also.

At one of the speeches made by the seniors, he said something that really made us fakes burn in our seat and it was probably the worst instance of insult and discrimination that ever occurred. He was about to graduate and this was his farewell speech. In his own words :
".... To all the True XXXX, and also all the girls, these 2 years will be the best two years of your school life. Enjoy it......"
I have nothing to say. He was the person elected to take care of us the form 6s. I don't know if it was a genuine mistake or he purposely left the extra part out.

The evening on that day, i swore myself as a True SMKBBSP-ian.

Things certainly didn't get any better when it came to the faculty. Although many of the teacher preferred us fakes because we tend to respect the teachers more and were less disruptive (the teacher's words, not mine i have witnesses). Like the students themselves, much of the faculty only saw the trues and the girls in their eyes. Us? We were just extras. When they needed us they would approach us saying we are part of the school and we should help out and support the school activities (mind you, a lot of us did). When they didn't need us, they would find all reasons to criticize us and blame us for certain things that go wrong.

I feel that some of the most pitiful people around around those that are living in denial or those that have no choice but to do so. Imagine having to live a life that is nothing more than a lie and having to believe that lie... Just sad..

Sometimes a fact is just a fact. No matter how much you try to deny it, it will forever be a fact. Yes, in your mind, if you persuade it enough it will most certainly be good, but reality won't budge no matter how hard you try to think it away.

I certainly understand the glorious days that the school once had. Those days even just uttering the name would have inspired awe amongst the people. But nowadays, only in the older generation's eye the school still has the glory. Amongst the youth, the school has become nothing more than a mockery of it's former glory.

Is it so hard to just accept the fact and then take action and improve it? If you did that certain you would command even more respect. I don't deny that in certain aspects the school still does wonderfully, but truly, is it enough?

Respect is earned not demanded. If any people should know this, I am one of those that know this all too well (right dou kei-s?).

Getting people to listen to you or follow your instructions is certainly not hard. Trust me, i know. Getting them to respect you to a very different ball game.

From where i come from ( as in SMKBBSP) and in most schools, to really control the students as a prefect, you must really earn the respect of the students. If i tried what the prefects in my form 6 school did, the instance i stepped out of school i would have a committee waiting for me to give some "love".

I realize that each school will have it's own sets of cultures and practices. I don't criticize the way the prefects of my form 6 school do their job, i just feel there are better and more practical ways to do things. Tradition is something, but it is not everything.

For clarification sake, let me just tell you how the prefects treat us. First of all, they come around screaming and shouting. This is traditionally how they do their job (sometimes though, i just think they take this as an excuse to go around screaming at others and enjoying it while at the job). They kind of act like how gangsters do. When they find some one that opposes them, they will come in a group to confront that student. A few of them, much to our chagrin, does more than scream. They even kick or punch the students that disobey them.

To tell the truth, I'm actually extremely grateful that i went to this school. For all the bad that i feel this school had, it actually did the greatest good for me.

It made me matured.

I have never ever EVER been so patient and tolerant throughout my entire life. Haha... Learning how to swallow down that feeling of discontent, smile and move on with life was probably one of the best lessons the school gave me.

The overall environment of the school is a good reflection of society. By being so materialistic, so judgmental, so discriminative and so unfair, it is a preparation for us to enter society. Maybe this is the true reason why so many students of this school can become so successful. From young, they are taught to be independent, hardworking, optimistic and tolerant. All key traits to be successful. Maybe this is why...

Maybe this is why we should all be thankful to the school...

My form 6 life (Part I : People i met)

This is the story about my form 6 life. I must mention before hand here, that what i write may offend certain people. I will stress that sometimes this is fact and what i can see from my perspective. Whether you want to accept it or not, it's up to you. Also do remember I'm not out to bad mouth anyone or anything, I'm just telling the story from my point of view.

On May 15 2006, i took my first step into this new school where i would be spending the next one and a half years doing my form 6. Before this, i was in a dilemma on where go for my for six, whether i should do it in a public secondary school or a private college.

I have had plenty of warnings and advice from my seniors from coming to this public school. The school despite having a reputation of being one of the premier schools in Malaysia, had a lousy faculty (generally speaking with exceptions) and many problems such as discrimination and bullying among the student body.

Yet i choose to come here and also stay. Why? One reason i must admit was for the name of the school. The other reason is because I have been instilled with the belief that anyone can succeed anywhere with the right amount dedication and hard work.

When i arrived, i had only one of my darlings with me. He too was not one of those i was especially close with. Nonetheless, he proved a great source of comfort, friendship and support throughout my choppy life there. For this I am extremely grateful to him, and because of all that we had to go through together in this school, we subsequently became very close (please stop your dirty thought NOW, thank you).

In my form 6 was the first time i had to chance to interact with people from so many various backgrounds - different schools, different family upbringings, different community background. In a way it helped me expand my horizon greatly. Here i must mention a lovely young lady from my class. Her openness initially left me extremely shocked, which led me to think she would be those wild type of girls and.... You get the idea. Yet as time went by, i came to greatly respect her. She was an extremely friendly girl, she would make friends with you without prejudice and most importantly was her sincerity even in those short moments she came and said "Hi".

She was the first person that truly thought me that we should never judge someone from what we can see. Even after we graduated, the fact that she still took the time to care about us, left me hanging my head in shame.

I also met another person who shared as much passion as me for the world around us. I really salute him. Like me, he decided to break free from convention and follow his heart and dreams. He went and took up a degree in forestry in the university in Sabah. In Malaysia, courses such as forestry, environmental science etc are considered cold courses. Courses that are left only for those with mediocre results, those who just want to waste their time and those that have no other choice in degrees to pursue.

Yet, he took up this course with passion. When people criticized him, he just took it in his stride and stuck with his guns. He's now there, preparing to go (or already gone) for a field research in Tenom, Sabah. He too, became one of my very good friends within this short time. He to me is an excellent role model. The most important trait being have to courage to pursue one's dreams despite the stigma from the people around him. Extremely responsible and friendly, he too, like the lady mentioned earlier, had no prejudice when it came to making friends.

I must admit, for my class in form 6, most individuals in my opinion are very materialistic. A lot of them become extremely selfish when the time arises. I always wonder is it just that I myself am very naive in thinking that everyone is this world should act so and so then we can all live in peace and happiness? I don't know. But studying in this school has truly shown me how harsh society can get.

From where i come from for my last 5 years of secondary school study, we never had such serious problems of backstabbing, boycotting. No matter who lousy our teachers were back then, we always showed a minimum amount of respect towards them. Here, if the students don't a teacher, they can total ignore his/her existence. But when the time comes and the teacher's help is required, they got back and start licking the teacher's boot madly.

Then there is teacher which will be forever burned into my mind. As of my 19years and 7months of life, i have never met a teacher as irresponsible as him. Have you ever met a teacher that goes, "i didn't have my breakfast today, i can't teach, will you please study on your own". He too was also the teacher advisor for my society. If we, the committee did anything successfully, he would immediately take credit for it saying that it was his idea and without his help we could never had done it. If something screws up, he will blame us for not asking his opinion before making a decision. If the things screws up because of his advice, he will immediately deny any involvement and say he never said anything of such a nature.

I always wonder, how do people like my teacher above sleep at night. How do they answer to their conscience? How? If it's me and i do something small, i will already have a hard time sleeping and just having that dreaded feeling that it will come back around to me....

Another thing that always lingers on my mind is "am i crazy? is something wrong with me?" The reason is due to my kids. To clarify this once and for all, my kids are the collective term i use for my scout juniors. The main reason i call them my kids is because they act like a bunch of them (crap, I'm gonna get beaten up once i get back to Malaysia) and because usually it's my responsibility to teach them and get them to behave.

Anyway, coming back, i used to think i was crazy because i would get so concerned and worried over them. Then i met this guy. He too had a bunch of "kids" (he called his juniors). Like me he was just as passionate about them as me (not as caring though). Among his juniors, he commanded respect and awe. In contrast to me i think i mostly projected an image of being a nice big brother which resulted in more often than not my kids scrambling all over my head. =S

Don't get me wrong, we both enjoyed how own respective groups treated us. What I'm trying to say is, for both me and him, these are people who much of our lives are centered around. And to people out there, it just shows I'm not alone and certainly not fully crazy (partly maybe XD).

Of cause i met more people in the one and half years there. These are the few along with their traits that have left a strong impression on me. Everyone i meet leaves a strong impression on me, but sadly, i can never finish telling you'll about them One, because I'm lazy. Two, also cause it's not practical to write out everyone cause you won't want to read it.

In the mean time this is just one part of the story. There are a few more parts, which i will write about later. Then also from this story comes one very important thing which you will find out in due time.