It's a hot hot day

Today is August 26 2009, which is coincidentally the day of Chinese Valentine Day. So happy valentine's day for everyone who sees this =D

Also, today, it has been more than 5 months since my last post. I wonder if everyone has given up on my blog because i have been putting off writing it for so long.

Today i decided to come to this page because i remembered something i said a long time ago. It had something to do with smiling.

I remembered how many times in my life i had stopped smiling. Or at least the major events that made me not feel like smiling. Even in one of the prior posts i implied that i would be able to smile regardless of what was happening at that time and yet i failed.

Today, i am smiling again. Of cause i have also been smiling a lot the past few months but in this case, it is one of those special situations again.

In the blink of an eye, more than half of my friends are in relationships already. If not, they are down the path towards one. My point? I'm happy for them. This in turn brings me to quote something a friend said a couple of weeks back - "and then there was one". When he said that, he seemed a million miles away from his own story, today, he seems just within arms reach of it. It is now just left to how he decides and fate thus leaving that quote in my hands now.

Coming back to the smiling thing, i think i have developed a really bad habit. In the past, people always complained i never smiled enough. I took that advice and decided to smile. Guess what happened? Yep, i can't stop smiling anymore - not when i'm depressed, not when i'm sad, not when i'm lonely and perhaps, even not when i'm crying (i'm not sure about it actually, coz i haven't cried yet)

Along with that habit came another - "don't worry" or as i like to say it in japanese "dai jo bu" or in chinese, "放心啦". I'm saying this so much, there have been a few that are complaining i'm starting to hide my true feelings and thoughts. Maybe they are right, afterall, lately i feel like i don't want to bother or trouble anyone anymore. Everyone has their own troubles, and i don't feel like adding more for them.

I have a feeling with the paragraph above, people are going to want to kill me again... Better start running~~ haha~~

Anyways, till next time and don't worry about me.

Lai Jian Wei
3.44pm
26 August 2009

Rain

I love rain
Has anyone realized how beautiful rain is?
Each drop, making it's own courageous journey from the heavens,
Flying, gliding down to the scorched parched earth...

There is a saying - still water runs deep
There is no denying, it is calm up to a certain extent
Yet, at the bottom of it all, the fury of the torrents rage on
The perfect balance of things, or just a painful reality?

**********

As how someone i know used to go : "Saya tak gembira..."
Recently i seem to like that phrase very much as well...

Sometimes i really don't understand myself
On one hand, i am the eye of the storm
Yet, i'm the gale that surrounds it as well

**********

You know what the worst part of being away is?
The distance
The distance from things you hold true and dear
The distance from some of your childhood dreams
The distance from ideals and promises that you have held on your entire life
The distance from the familiar senses that make your day whole
The distance from the emotions that some may have tried to escape
The distance from the pillars that hold you up
The thought of being away....

**********

I'm here,
away...
I don't have much :

- a few dreams
- a small new family
- the excitement something new
- the spirit of a traveler
- believes
- faiths
- courage
- hopes

and yet...
I have everything

Lai Jian Wei
10.32pm
Wednesday 4th March 2009

Leaving...

Of late i realized something really interesting about myself - i've been putting off writing my blog for a long time adi... The last time i wrote was, well, before i left Brisbane. Now, i'm writing again. This time, will be before i go back to Brisbane.

Actually, throughout these few months, i have composed a few posts, just that i have never gotten around to finish writing them. The reason? Mood swings XD

But yala, throughout these few months i have been having a lot of ups and downs (please don't ask, don't really feel like talking about them). Currently my mood has reached the stage where i don't want to go back to Brisbane.... That is a long story la, to make it simple, let's just say being away then coming back made me realize i treasured a lot of things here and that the moment i go back to Aussie, i lose a lot of these things....

For a friend, yes you were right. I really really did enjoy myself back here in Malaysia. At the very least, i was distracted a lot by my darlings and friends a like. Sometimes i wonder, is it because i went overseas that i having a lot of attention from all my friends? Or is it just because i'm having a bout of really good jodoh this year? Haha... Either way, i'm not complaining. It's been a wonderful holiday for me (albeit the boredom of sitting alone at home doing nothing la...)

Friends are a wonderful thing. Somehow, they just have a knack of showing up at the right time and making problems miraculously disappear (for the moment at least) or just provide you with a dose of "healthy" distraction....

Most importantly, friends help you without they themselves or even you realizing it. It's a kind of abstract thing, not something you can grasp immediately after you read this or if that light bulb of inspiration flashes in your head. Speaking on this... Can i ask for a moment of silence for a friend, Yun Chi that passed away on the 5th of February...

...
...
...
...
...

Thank you

Like i was saying, she is a good example of this. Her passing, i believe has brought good a lot of people she once knew. Her passing was quite a sudden news to many of us, it just reflected on the fragility of life as we know it. At least for me, it made me realize that somethings are just unexpected. I'm sure many people have at some point in their lives, contemplated the fact "what would happen if suddenly my friend or a family member dies? Hmm..."

Contemplating and trying to prepare yourself mentally is one thing, when it actually happens, it is a totally different story all together... I admit, i'm not really very close to Yun Chi, but she is the first of my friends that has actually left us, forever... Her spirit may still be close to us, but she will always be an ethereal presence from now on... (haih...)

After paying my last respects, i was very angry for a moment. At myself. Why? I realized that i am a man surrounded by a lot of friends and i really mean A LOT. Yes, many of them i could say are casual acquaintances, some slightly better friends. Then of coz there are my darlings, beloveds and kids. And to think with so many people around me, i always complain i'm lonely. Worst still, i don't even bother keep in touch with many of these people. Only saying hi when i meet them and then have a few short sentences of a conversation and that's it.

As the anger slowly simmered off, sadness took it's place. It is very true the saying, "You may be best friends this year, very good friends the next year, close friends the following, and just acquaintances after that." When i look back, i do hold a lot of regrets, some of my once best friends when i see them today all i can bring out of me to say is just "hello" or "how have you been lately?" I do blame myself, but i also do realize that we just cannot have time for everybody as much as we try, as much as we want to...

Sad isn't it?

Lai Jian Wei
2.36pm
15 February 2009